I recently had a mother pose the situation of her eight-year-old son who was having difficulty with anger. This had moved her to ask for ways to help him.  It usually happened when he didn’t get his own way.  This would cause him to lose control and even was affecting his ability to make friends. 
 
Reflecting on her question took me back to when my kids were young, remembering how easy it was to respond to such outbursts with my own anger, especially when the outbursts continued.  In trying to find something that would help I thought first about his age and stage of development.  At eight he is old enough to learn to recognize when he is experiencing anger and that is probably the best place to begin, however, if temper tantrums had worked when he was young they could also have become a learned response.
 
Another reason for consistent outbursts of anger is that her son may have few times of feeling he has any control over a situation. In Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World by Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. we learn it is a human need to feel as if we can influence what happens to us.  When kids have no way of ever feeling empowered and are always frustrated in their requests anger builds up.
 
Finding ways to honor those feelings may resolve the anger problem.  Giving choices when appropriate or asking for a child’s advice in handling a situation and following through with it when possible goes a long way to instill the idea that, “I have influence.” If you can’t use the suggestion itself, use it as a springboard for looking for a solution that you come up with together.  I’m always amazed at the wisdom of kids if we take time to ask.
 
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. is one of the most helpful books I know of to help us understand anger.  They write of the Upstairs Brain and the Downstairs Brain. The upstairs brain is where rational thinking kicks in; the downstairs brain keeps us tied to emotional responses.  One of the tools they suggest to help our kids move from downstairs to upstairs is the simple act of giving an emotion a name and retelling the story of what caused it to surface. In doing this kids are better able to understand what has upset them and find ways to handle it. This “Name it to Tame it” tool is the beginning of helping your child understand and handle their emotions, allowing them to devise strategies on their own for improving the situation.
 
Helping your child learn to say, “I’m angry” or “I’m mad at you” instead of “I hate you” or “You make me upset” is a good beginning.  Not only are they giving their feelings a name they are not blaming someone else for those feelings, which happens with, “You make me upset.”  This is an important concept to learn when young.  Otherwise, we often carry the instinct to blame into adulthood.  How many times has the thought crossed your mind with the words, “You make me so mad!” as if that other person were in charge of your emotions. We need to help our kids take ownership of how they feel, whether those feelings are good or bad.
 
If your child articulates, “I’m mad at you,” an appropriate adult response would be, “I can tell that you are really upset. Tell me what I did that made you so mad.” You may already know, however, for a child of eight it is important that they learn to put it into words. For a younger child words like, “I can tell you don’t want to leave and it’s making you very upset” may be needed. Either way they are starting to tell the story of what is causing the upset.
 
The above acknowledges the child’s feelings instead of denying them. It is important that children learn in their early years that it is okay to feel angry.  They need to know that all emotions are acceptable, however, all behaviors are not. Our goal as parents is to help them express emotions with behaviors that are appropriate.
 
Help your child understand the reasons behind their anger.
 
The ability to tell you why they are so upset may not be possible and your child may need some help. Interjecting, “I’m thinking that you really want to play outside right now and my saying “No” is what has you so upset. I can understand how that would make you mad. Why do you think I’ve said “No” to going out?” may be all that’s needed to get the conversation going.
 
Notice that the above avoided “Yes” and “No” questions, instead using open-ended questions that require some thought. It also expresses empathy and validation, that show you understand why they are upset and validates the realness of their feelings. This does not mean you need to give in or change your decision.
 
At this point you may want to share again why it’s not a good time to play outside or ask your child if they can think of something else they might do since going outside is not possible. Reflective listening skills help convey your understanding. An appropriate goal for an eight year old is for them to be able to reason out why something is being denied and to come up with a solution on their own.  How easy it is for us, the parent, to tell them what to do or how they should feel, and that does little to move them into using their upstairs brain. I know for me this was always a struggle and a habit hard to break.
 
For the younger child who is throwing a tantrum about leaving the park (or whatever has them engaged) say, “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard to stop. It’s time to go. Remember, we’ll be coming back tomorrow.” At this point, stop talking, pick them up and head to the car, no matter if the noise continues.
 
It’s sometimes hard to be persistent, however, important. Keep in mind the adage “never argue with a drunk, especially a toddler (or anyone) drunk on power.” And giving-in when their young reinforces the idea that tantrums work which can haunt you well into an older age.  That doesn’t mean we should never be flexible.  It’s just that it’s not a good idea if a tantrum is involved. 
 
When anger possesses a person (young or old) it’s easy to lose perspective. When someone is angry, it is difficult to reach him or her through feelings or reason. This applies to adults as well as kids and makes it a good time to back off, allowing time to help. Saying, ”Come see me when you’re finished with your fit and can talk in a nicer way” and walking away may often bring the tirade to a quicker end. This is also the time to put a time-out into practice.  In my book Raising Kids With Love, Honor and Respect; Recipes for Success you will find many different ways to employ a time-out.  Remember if one-way doesn’t work try another.  Why keep doing what you know doesn’t bring the results you want?
 
Because the ability to regulate the expression of anger is linked to an understanding of why they are angry, children need guidance from adults first in understanding why they are upset and then in learning how to manage their feelings of anger. By eight, both of these are possible so don’t give-up. If angry outbursts are causing your kids to lose friends they need help. That’s our job, to help them learn to both understand and to manage their feelings, not deny them.
 
When adults help children move through frustration, acknowledging it and the feelings that accompany it, it is possible for the kids to move on and adapt. Do this by:
 

• Asking questions that allow a child to offload and express emotions, to ensure he or she feels heard and understood.

 

• Use questions that keep kids talking, moving toward solutions, gently helping them understand their reasons for being disappointed.  I know, this is hard (how well I remember) especially when they just get louder and louder.

 

• Lower your voice, almost to a whisper, and reiterate that you’ll listen when they can tell you in a quieter way why they are angry. Again, this doesn’t mean you’re going to change your mind or give-in.  It only means you want to hear what they have to say.

 
 >  Use guidance to help kids express anger appropriately. Teach words they can use to help them feel they have some control over the situation:
 
            * An eight year old can memorize and repeat to himself, “I can take care of myself, I                     can take care of myself, I can take care of myself, etc.)  
 
            * Counting: “10, I’m okay. 9, I’m okay. 8, I’m okay. 7, I’m okay, etc. 
 

• Teach the ABC’s of anger (Become Aware, I am angry.  Breath, Count to 10.  Learn          to Cope. Go outside and scream, sock a pillow, run in circles, etc.) This tool was           originated by Birth to Three, in Eugene, Oregon as a tool for parents when they feel            they are going to lose it. The same can work for kids from about 4 on.

Become an emotion coach

When you help a child deal with anger in the above ways you are acting as an emotion coach. We’re all familiar with how good athletic coaches help their athletes become the best they can be; it’s through encouragement, guidance, patience, and understanding the needs of each player. Most likely many of you have been in those roles innumerable times.
An emotion coach operates in much the same way as an athletic coach so draw on the skills you already use. As I mentioned earlier, a parent’s most important tools are empathy and validation, showing you understand why your child is upset and validating the realness of his or her feelings. Following are some tools to help you do this.
• Help your children recognize and accept their feelings. Talk with them about feelings. Describe what you think they are feeling, positive and negative:
› “I can see you are very upset about …”
› “Does it make you feel sad when … ?”
› “Buttoning your coat can be very frustrating.”
› “I can tell that made you very angry.”
› “You are really happy this morning.”
• Talk about your own feelings:
› “I get so angry when …”
› “I am so happy when …”
› “I feel very frustrated when …”
• Help your child deal with angry feelings by learning to talk about them. Give them words to use:
› “That makes you really angry. Tell your sister how you feel. Say, ‘It makes me angry when you … Please, stop!’”
› “You have a right to be upset. Say, ‘I’m mad at you because …’”
› “Can you say, ‘That makes me mad. You can have it when I’m finished.’”
Help your child deal with anger that is being expressed in unacceptable ways (e.g., hitting, screaming, throwing things, etc.) by providing a quiet area for a time-out. As I mentioned before there are many different ways to provide a time-out. Find one that helps your child calm down. It may be taking time to read a favorite book, listen to a story on tape, or play quietly with blocks. 
 
Stop thinking of timeout as a punishment

It is a mistake to think of timeout as a punishment; instead, refer to it in terms of consequences of losing control and a way to help the child calm down. Allow the child to return to play when he or she has regained control. The “When and Then” words from Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline are helpful here.

• Say, “When you hit people, you need to be alone so you can calm down.
• When you calm down,
• then you may come back.”
• Very soon, ask them, “Do you think you are ready to play with your friends again?” If they say “yes,” allow them to go back, keeping a close eye on the situation.
• This scenario may have to be played out several times before the learning takes place. However, it is worth it in the long run and the older the child the quicker the learning will take place.

When you see anger coming, find a way to divert your child to a place where he or she can calm down before losing control and the behavior becomes inappropriate. When you observe appropriate responses, use lots of words of encouragement:

• “Thank you for taking time to calm yourself down. Now use your words to let your friend know how you are feeling. Thank you for using your words instead of hitting. You are really learning how to use your words when you feel angry.”
• Or, with an older child, “You really handled that situation well. Do you think you’re ready to rejoin the group or do you need a few more minutes?”

The above won’t work the first time and may take several times to be effective. Have patience and take the time to talk about feelings, helping your child learn to talk out the emotions they are feeling. Recognize that the child is responsible for his or her own anger and that he or she is in the process of learning how to express anger appropriately. It’s important for you to believe and to convey that it is the child’s problem, not yours. Stay calm and let your child know you respect what he or she is feeling and that you are there to help with learning how to express those feelings in a positive way.
Remember, the importance of modeling so watch how you express anger. This may be the hardest thing because when we’re angry we often aren’t very rational. However, our kids do learn tons by what and how we do anything with our actions speaking louder than words. Good luck.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Things to think about for our quick contemplation exercise today:
1  When your child has an angry outburst do you have a pretty good idea of what sparked it?
2  Is there a reoccurring theme to those outbursts?
3  Do you understand why your child is getting so upset?
4  Do you use reflective listening and words that let them know you understand what and why they are feeling as they do?
5  Do you use coaching techniques to help them learn to understand and manage their anger?
 
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
1  Pay attention to how you manage angry feelings and what you are modeling for your child.
2  Understand the impact of responding back in anger and take efforts to find other ways of responding.
3  Avoid giving in just to “keep the peace” while at the same time listen with an open mind and be flexible when it may be the best solution.
4  Find ways to help your child feel “in control” and able to influence the outcome of a situation by giving choices or asking them for suggestions.
 "This article was originally published on AFineParent.Com on June 19, 2017.

September 1, 2016
      Recently I read an article about the joys of taking your toddler camping and it took me back to the days when my adult children were little.  The memories of those excursions are very precious and the results, as shown in the way they are raising their own children and living their lives, are evidence of the value.
 
      Soon after reading the article, I was visiting with a young Sisters’ mom who had just taken her 18 month old on her first camping trip.  Unfortunately, it was not a lot of fun.  In fact, they cut their outing short and came home.
 
      How sad!  That thought left me with the need to change her mind and convince her to try again.
 
      Camping with a toddler is definitely a different experience than camping without and that is probably the first thing to recognize.  Your attention needs to be focused on them instead of your own agenda. Being prepared for possible problems will make a big difference.
 
      Toddlers are going to get filthy, no question about it; relax, let it happen.  There are even some studies that indicate that children who eat dirt will develop immune systems that may resist allergies and other problems later on.
 
      Whether at home or in a campground you have to keep an eye on your toddler.  That’s a given. While camping, picking up sticks and running with them is always a danger or the possibility of falling into the fire will keep you on your guard. These are different challenges than in your backyard, however, the job of monitoring your toddler’s actions is the same.
 
      An idea that came from the article on keeping little ones warm and cozy at night is pretty ingenious.  Instead of worrying about how to keep them in a sleeping bag, put them to bed in their snowsuit!  Now they can squirm and wiggle to their hearts content and wake-up rested and cheerful.  No more worrisome nights for mom and dad who also get to sleep through the night.
 
      If the dark of night is a problem, hang small battery operated lights in the tent and voila it’s a magical place.
 
      Tents can double as wonderful places to play since most young ones love small areas to climb into, onto and around.  Use sleeping bags and air mats to create exciting hiding places. Take along favorite toys and turn your home away from home into a fort with all kinds of special surprises.  A little planning ahead will make a big difference.  And, tents create wonderful story time locations.
 
      Why is it important to take your kids outdoors?  Why on earth would you want to put yourself through the hard work of making it happen?  There are lots of reasons, one of them being perspective.
 
      Since a toddler’s gaze is usually on their immediate surroundings they will naturally be attracted to the things nearer to the ground and under their feet.  This causes you to also pay more attention to things that crawl, slither, borough and glide along the earth or water.  When was the last time you spent ten minutes examining the antics of a colony of ants?  What industrious critters they are with lessons to teach about persistence.  Explore and discover with your children and your life will be enriched.
 
      A book every parent would be wise to read is “Last Child in the Woods,” by Richard Louv, who coined the phrase “nature-deficit disorder.”  This is his way of describing the increasing urbanization of America and the decreasing time children spend in unstructured play.  
 
            This book describes in detail scientific studies linking time in nature to a host of emotional and physical benefits including higher self-esteem, stress reduction, better social interactions and prevention of childhood depression. Children who spend time in natural places with lots of free time increase their inventiveness and creativity. Imagination blooms with increased exposure to unstructured elements.  The future of our kids and of society depends on the development of these qualities. These are characteristics needed in our next generation of leaders and citizens.
 
      Closer to home, there are few better ways to help your children become inquisitive and prepared to learn in school.  The younger you begin, the more opportunity there is for this to happen.  And, living here in Sisters, we’ve a wonderful, natural “school” at our fingertips.
 
      As summer winds down, take advantage of wonderful places near where you live and, whether your kids are toddlers or older, enjoy it with them.
 
(This article was inspired by the writing of Seattle-based freelancer Jeff Layton who writes about outdoor adventures and overseas travels on his blog, MarriedToAdventure.com.)

2015 Living Now Book Awards  9/1/2015      Today is an exciting day.  I just received word that I had been awarded a Gold Award in the Family/Parent division of the 2015 Living Now Book Awards.  I'm all smiles.  I couldn't have asked for a nicer surprise.  The Living Now Book Award web page describes this award as follows:

"The Living Now Book Awards are designed to honor those kinds of life-changing books that make a difference, and to bring increased recognition to the year’s best lifestyle, homestyle, world-improvement and self-improvement books and their creators. We all seek healthier, more fulfilling lives for ourselves and for the planet, and books are very important tools for gaining knowledge about how to achieve these goals for ourselves, our loved ones, and for Planet Earth.

The purpose of the Living Now Book Awards is to celebrate the innovation and creativity of books that enhance the quality of life, from cooking and gardening to spirituality and wellness. The awards are open to all books written in English and appropriate for the North American market. Winning a Living Now Book Award brings credibility and recognition for the recipients."
http://www.independentpublisher.com/article.php



 

This coming Sunday, there is a fun, informative event planned at the main library in downtown Bend, OR, for those who live in Central Oregon.  A local author's fair will provide an opportunity to meet and visit with a dozen authors selected to share their books and material.  Plan an outing and come by.  

Please, stop by my table and let me know you heard about it here.  There will be opportunities to purchase signed copies so come thinking of your own interests and possible gifts.  Parents of adult kids, are there any new grandchildren on their way?  And, Grandparents don't forget those grandkids that are reaching the parenting stage.  Are any of your friends expecting?  or yourself?  Even if this is a second or third child I'm sure you'll find helpful ideas and thoughts, along with actual stories, that will be of help.  I just heard from an early education leader here in Oregon who "loves my book."  She said I had, "woven wonderful lessons in your book, well written and just the thing families and teachers need."  Come by and see for yourself.  Hope to see many of you.

     The chapter on values in my book helps us remember the importance of passing on to our children the things that are most precious to us.  The same is true of special holidays and times of meaning that are imbedded in our calendar.  The fourth of July is one of those and we adults need to remember that unless we actually take time to teach its meaning it will become little more than a national Disney Land event in the mind of our children.
     For a value to be truly yours, you must do more than talk about it; you must act on it and have it reflected through you.  Besides watching a parade and cheering, enjoying a neighborhood picnic and exclaiming as the fireworks shoot skyward, spend some time reflecting with your children on how our country came to be, what the constitution stands for and what you as an individual do to assure the freedoms we enjoy continue.  Ask them to think of what they can do, no matter how young, to make life better in your neighborhood or town and what are appropriate ways to let the world know the U.S. is a good place, with good people.  On this patriotic day, let us recommit to  eliminate the negative aspects around us and let our kids see and feel a pride that demonstrates a love for this great country.  Remember, our values help us set priorities and work for what is truly important to us.  Let this be reflected as you celebrate our nations birth, tomorrow.

         This article appeared in the May 3, 2015 edition of The Bulletin in Bend, OR.  I felt it was a wonderful compliment to the thoughts on unconditional love that are an important part of my book.  I believe there's a lot of truth in what Mr. Brooks says. However, I feel he's being unnecessarily harsh on parents which can undermine his message.  Never-the-less, I feel it is worth sharing.  I hope it helps to encourage careful thought and direction while interacting with children.  We want them to know they are loved for just being who they are, not for what they achieve or what they do.

Parenting: love and meritocracy   by David Brooks a columnist for the New York Times

        There are two great defining features of child-rearing today.  First, children are now praised to an unprecedented degree.  As Dorothy Parker once joked, American children aren't raised, they are incited.  They are given food, shelter and applause.  That's a thousand times more true today.  Children are incessantly told how special they are.
        The second defining feature is that children are honed to an unprecedented degree.  The meritocracy is more competitive than ever.  Parents are more anxious about their kids getting into good colleges and onto good career paths.  Parents spend much more time than in past generations investing in their children's skills and resumes and driving them to practices and rehearsals.
        These two great trends --- greater praise and greater honing --- combine in intense ways.  Children are bathed in love, but it is often directional love.  Parents shower their kids with affection, but it is meritocratic affection.  It is intermingled with the desire to help their children achieve worldly success.
        Very frequently it is manipulative.  Parents unconsciously shape their smiles and frowns to steer their children toward behavior they think will lead to achievement.  Parents glow with extra fervor when their child studies hard, practices hard, wins first place, gets into a prestigious college.
        This sort of love is merit-based.  It is not simply:  I love you.  It is:  I love you when you stay on my balance beam.  I shower you with praise and care when you're on my beam.  
        The wolf of conditional love is lurking in these homes.  The parents don't perceive this, they feel they love their children in all circumstances.  But the children often per-
chive things differently.
        Children in such families come to feel that childhood is a performance - on the athletic field, in school and beyond.  They come to feel that love is not something that they deserve because of who they intrinsiycally are but is something they have to earn.
        These children begin to assume that this merit-tangled love is the natural order of the universe.  The tiny glances of approval and disapproval are built into the fabric of communication so deep that they flow under the level of awareness.  But they generate enormous internal pressure, the assumption that it is necessary to behave in a certain way to be worthy of love - to be self-worthy.
        The shadowy presence of conditional love produces a fear; the fear that there is no utterly safe love.
        On the other hand, many of the parents in these families are extremely close to their children.  They communicate constantly.  But the whole situation is fraught.  These parents unconsciously regard their children as an arts project and insist their children go to colleges and have jobs that will give the parents status and pleasure - that will validate their effectiveness as dads and moms.
        Meanwhile, children who are uncertain of their parents' love develop a voracious hunger for it.  This conditional love is like an acid that dissolves children's internal criteria to make their own decisions about their own colleges, majors and careers.  At key decision points, they unconsciously imagine how their parents will react.  They guide their lives by these imagined reactions and respond with hair-trigger sensitivity to any possibility of coldness or distancing.
        The culture of the meritocracy is incredibly powerful.  Parents desperately want happiness for their children and naturally want to steer them toward success in every way they can.  But the pressures of the meritocracy can sometimes put this love on a false basis.
        The meritocracy is based on earned success.  It is based on talent and achievement.  But parental love is supposed to be oblivious to achievement.  It's meant to be an unconditional support -  a gift that cannot be bought and cannot be earned.  It sits outside the logic of the meritocracy, the closest humans come to grace.
 

As people become interested in my book I am getting requests to come share how it came to be, what I hope to accomplish in writing it and perhaps some of the "recipes" that give tips on how to handle the many situations that come up with children.  

I'm happy to do that. I hope the many stories that are included in the pages illustrate and make meaningful the suggestions that accompany the topics. If you're curious as to what is actually covered in the book take a look at the section on this website called "About the Book." I've included there the table of contents so you can see the actual topics covered. Let me know what is of interest to your group and I can tailor a talk to meet those needs. Contact me at edie@together-for-children.org and I will get back with you.

That best "way" may look different with every parent and with every child and still be the best. Following are a couple of stories that illustrate these principles.

         One morning, when it was time to be leaving for school, our youngest daughter started to sob uncontrollably. Not knowing at all what was wrong, I held and rocked her until calm settled in. The feelings a parent experiences in moments like this are like watching a pot boil over on the stove and being unable to stop it.
         The problem, it seemed, was that she had signed my name to a homework assignment and then lied to her teacher when questioned as to whether I really had seen it. The guilt was overwhelming and she couldn't face her teacher that morning. At that moment, all she needed to know was that we loved her; in spite of having to deal with the falsehood and facing the teacher, feeling loved was what was most important.

          A very verbal 2 1/2-year-old had a meltdown on Christmas Eve. "No Santa! No Santa in my house!" Dad, a deputy sheriff, got on his police phone and called Santa, asking him not to come to their house. Instead, he asked if he would please leave the presents at the sheriff's office and a deputy could bring them over. She immediately calmed down and Christmas was allowed to happen. What a wonderful story of respect for the concerns of his little girl.

An excerpt from the introduction of my book:



Recently, while traveling through an area of New York City stricken by poverty, I mused over how I could write a book on parenting that would help parents in that environment. There, survival was their first priority. Many parents juggled more than one job or none at all. They may have been raising several children or were single parents with no backup support. Their lives were far from anything I had ever experienced. However, I concluded that there are some common parenting principles that are universal. In the pages that follow, I will share my thoughts on these principles, for I believe they can be a guiding light for parents everywhere. I’m excited about bringing insight into how to make that happen.

It doesn’t matter where you live, which culture you belong to, or what your background is. I strongly believe that, as a parent, you want to do the best you can for your children. Using the KISS approach (Keep It Sweet and Simple) to parenting will better your chances of success. This doesn’t mean the job of being a parent is easy or simple. It is hard and very complex. It is a 24/7 job that takes much energy and perseverance. This book is compiled as a guide to help parents succeed by keeping their techniques and approaches as simple as possible. My goal in writing is to help all parents who read my book reach their ultimate goal of creating positive relationships with their children as they help them grow, develop self-control, and become responsible citizens who contribute to society by using their skills and talents.

I 

The first shipment of my book arrived today and I'm finally able to see it, hold it in my hands and enjoy seeing my work in print.  A pretty joyous experience!  As I think about what it contains I think of the many parents I have known and worked with over the years and all that I have learned from them.  Within the book are many stories, each intended to illustrate the tips and tools being discussed.  We often hear of negative experiences parents are going through.  How fun it was to relay positive experiences to my readers.  When you watch for positive parenting it's quite easy to find.  I hope readers will recognize themselves and be validated by the stories and material, as well as gaining new knowledge and skills to put to use.  I am so  pleased to offer you Raising  Kids with Love, Honor and Respect; Recipes for Success.

Today is a special day.  Special in that it helps us focus on one of the most important virtues of being human, love.  The words, "If I have no love I am nothing." (1 Cor.13:2) are so true, in that a life without love feels empty and unimportant.  This includes both feeling loved and giving love.  

A quote from Mr. Rogers   A quote from the book The World According to Mister Rogers by Fred Rogers, says, “Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”  says it so well.  


In my book Raising Kids with Love, Honor and Respect; Recipes for Success I describe "Unconditional Love" and why it is such an important ingredient for raising children and building relationships.  I start that chapter with "Give lots of love when they need it and leave them be in between."  That was the most important parenting advise I ever received and one of the most important I pass on in my writing to those who care for children.


Send the message of love today to everyone you meet.  HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!